38 days

Several years ago when I told my friends I wanted to quit, most of them did not believe I was serious. Some thought I was seeking attention. A few closer ones acknowledged my intention but asked me to work out a retirement plan before I leave the resignation letter on the boss’ desk. Of course, I didn’t have one and still haven’t got one yet. They reassured me that my job wasn’t bad; I only needed to look after myself and find time to have fun. These were excellent advice, I thought, but where did I find that sort of time. Honestly, I may not know how to use it even if it were found.

Then, things and people around me seemed to be thrown into chaos after this Easter. This time, having a mixed feeling of inescapable duty and incapability, I had to find time for myself, people close to me and friends who turned to me for help. As I tried, I found myself drifting down a depth where miseries and helplessness were the only things I could hold on to. The world lost its colours and clarity; daily life became a burden; the mind was occupied by doubts and despairs. 

One evening, after 23 years, Eamon’s face suddenly reappeared on my memory screen. I could clearly recognize his rectangular face, small eyes and thin lips – the way he was when I last saw him. This is not a good sign.

I knew Eamon at work. They said he was a sporadic alcoholic and reckoned his drinking would cost his life one day. Most of the year when he was sober, he was gentle and always wore a smile. People liked him as a caring and sentimental guy who was always ready to help.  Later, I learned that when he succumbed to booze, he became tearful and would talk about the miseries of his life. He was put in mental hospitals several times, often after he told others he could not help thinking about suicide. Once he became sober in the hospital, he would be back on anti-depressants and be asked to go home very soon. He told me that the doctors and nurses always said, “Keep dry, take your tablets and don’t come back again. You’ll be fine!” However, he never got better beyond sobriety and bouts of depression kept coming back to haunt him.

A month before a Christmas, he went to a hospital again after two days’ drinking frenzy. He asked for discharge on the twenty second as he rather stayed in his flat for Christmas. He was found dead a day after Boxing Day with cheap wine and pills bottles scattered around his bed where he might have found his eternal rest. People do not have to tell him he will be fine anymore. This memory suddenly became vivid from nowhere and underlined my thoughts and sentiments then. I am amazed how the mind can play tricks to its bearer.

Despite the unexpected surge of pessimism, I committed myself to sending a picture with a text each day to a person who had cancer and was recovering from a major surgery. It was meant to cheer her up but unanticipatedly that became part of my personal journey. I re-found hope and reassurance in that journey and put negativity at bay – guess this is how a man treats himself well. The pictures may have lost their spontaneity but are saved here as a reminder of that brief journey; a reminder that healing can come from within and from a person giving others what they need.

不會自我放棄的生命力。

The living force doesn't give up.

不要小看菜心小黃花!

Don't feel sorry for being a humble rapeseed flower!

紅燈不一定等於停步!

A red light doesn't always mean STOP!

最重要是享受擁有的一刻。

Treasure the moment.

此路不通，亦有出路!

There's always a way out in a dead end road!

太陽仍在雲上。

The sun is still above the clouds.

酒愈蒸愈醇，人愈煉愈強。

Distillation purifies spirits; challenges mature men.

十二小時工作後更覺餐湯甜美！

Soup of the day is soothing after twelve hours' labour!

荳芽裡看生命。

See life through seedlings.

處境模糊，路仍向前。

Obscurity only blurs the forwarding road.

懷着小孩子的心等待要得的東西。

Yearn like children for things you desire.

生命是多麽的幼弱，卻可震撼心靈。

Life is fragile but soul-moving.

期望小小慶祝的來臨也可以是一種動力。

Wishing for a small celebration can be the motivation to tie over difficulties.

沒有人能確保每日都是天色常藍、風和日麗；風雨飄搖、黑雲蓋頂也是自然不了的事…。

Nobody can guarantee a blue sky; thunderheads are part of the nature. 

但路邊卑微的野花卻因雨水的滋潤顯出它令人驚訝的美態。

But the modest oxalis, benefiting from the rain, shows others her true beauty.

雀躍生命？

Isn’t life exciting?

通過巨大的困難，更能欣賞平凡的可貴。

Through hardship we appreciate the value of an ordinary life.

大浪淘沙。

Stand the waves!

生命不祇是麵包，還可以有肉丸和湯。

Apart from bread, you can have meatballs and soup too.

廉價微波爐晩餐很多人不屑一試，但對於不少人這是奢求。這一刻要感恩地享受這份晚餐。

Many would not think of trying a microwave dinner though some consider it a luxury.
At this moment, enjoy it with a grateful heart.

一個人在途上感到孤單！但這刻不是有三個人與你在同一路上嗎？

Feeling alone? But, there are at least three on the same road!

快樂每一蕉，快樂每一朝。

To start a new day with a happy "banana"!

做人擔心有時，放縱也有時！

There is a time to worry and a time to indulge!

已經冇得剩了!

See, it's all gone!

大雨終過，雨後必有新景象。

After the rain, there must be a new scene...

雨後彩霞

and a beautiful sky.

在耀眼的街燈中，偌大的宇宙祇是一個空洞。

With the piercing light of a street lamp, the cosmos is only a void.

最美好的看似衰殘過去，但卻是生命另一階段的開始，可能更加豐盛！

Though the flowers are withering, the best of life, more gratifying, has yet to come.

身處環境往往有很多限制，甚或不如意，但思想和夢想總不可被關在牢房裡!

Constraints are inevitable, but dreams will never be imprisoned. 

 經歷過後，會確知暴風雨必定會退去，更會為平安感恩。

When it comes to pass, we know storms always cease; we learn how to be grateful.

沒有人能確保每一天都是晴天，下雨嘛，打起傘子吧！

No one can assure a sunny day every day. If it rains, open your umbrella! 

人可承受的擔子，往往超乎別人和自己的想象！

We can always withstand more than others and ourselves believe we can.

大自然的法則 - 生生不息，絕處逢生。

The law of the nature - life never stops; door opens at desperation.

別人幫不上甚麽？還可依靠自己呢！

Nobody dares to help? You can still rely on yourself.

幽暗處仍然努力生長，更顯出它的能力和美態。

Outgrowing the darkness, it shows its vigour and beauty.

太陽出來了，不要再坐一會啦！

The sun is out. Don't just sit here!

上路時經常會熱鬧擠迫，間中亦會有孤身靜寂的時候，但最後火車始終會抵達車站。

The trains are always packed with people, but at times you may be on you own.

Nonetheless, all trains stop at the terminus.

公園裡的杜鵑三月尾已綻放，四月初已經落英繽紛，為何這五月天山坡上才見到你的朱顏？

Rhodies in the parks blossom in March and wither in April,
why are you showing your rosy cheeks in this May hillside?

總有一個危難與共的心。

There is always someone who can share a bit of your burden.

縱然孤單無望，不斷禱告。

Keep praying, even though you lose everyone and all your faith.

Those 38 days have gone for months now. But, there can be many more 38 days if I determine to look for them, I believe. Maybe, if your friends run into their dead ends, instead of telling them they will be fine, share with them your 38 days.

If you want these 38 days, they are yours my friends.