2014年3月26日星期三

Memorial Service

It was about ten days before last Christmas. Pam called me at work.

“Hey, you’re clinical mate!” Pam remarked in her typical simple-hearted tune half way through the conversation. “That’s alright, we can find another time. You treat me though…an expensive one, huh?”
 
“No problem!... Me clinical?”
 
“Ooh!... Yesss! That’s for sure!” She said as if it was a matter of fact. “By the way, he’s coming too and he said it would be his memorial service as well, ha…ha…ha… Are you sure you’re not coming this Friday evening?” She laughed hysterically.


“Memorial service? How vivid! Should I say a prayer for both of you? Ha…ha…ha…” I giggled and switched back to a cool tune, “I’m clinical? …mm…mm…mm… No! But have fun with the memorial service. I’m not going… I’m not in your team, it’ll be odd. I’m still trying to meet some deadlines…”
“OK. Another day another meal then...” 

Pam was leaving for a new job just before Christmas and wanted me to join her farewell party for a selected group of workmates. I am glad she took that leap of faith.
Finishing not much work, I decided to leave office at nine. Strolling down the road in that cold windy evening and hoping to have a fast food dinner at Fairwood before it closed at 9:30pm, I kept asking myself over and over again if I was clinical. I stood at the traffic light and experienced an epiphany when it changed from red to green: I’m clinical…again!
“Right! I am. I have been. That explains.” I felt a certain weight being taken off my chest and that I had made peace with myself again. “Do you get me?”
That night I stayed up till very late, reading the messages of visiting bloggers but could not manage to type in a single alphabet against my intention. Instead, I aimlessly went through the photos of a solo journey for the first time since they were uploaded to the computer.
That impromptu journey in last October was heralded by an unexpected rainbow on the second morning but was brought to a crash halt after I received a text message from a workmate in the last evening of the trip. It was like an atomic explosion that exterminates everything in seconds but continues to kill for years to come as the nuclear storm radiates out in all directions. The deadly storm is calming down now but has left a landscape that will take a long time to recover if it is at all possible. “Hope you understand what I mean?”

 
It was already mid-autumn there when the journey started, a time of reds and yellows, and I took many photos with my humble veteran compact Canon like most others would have done. “Yes. Why not? And I was excitedly thinking how to share them here with you guys when I am back.”
 

 As I cruised through the photos, what kept catching my eyes were those of the graveyards. Nothing spectacular or monumental and they are just ordinary graves in public graveyards that are not quite properly managed. Many of them are damaged or have surrendered themselves to time. Even more are not attended to for a long time and I thought: Where have all the graveyards gone…Gone to flowers, everyone… “Oh, sorry for my poor singing.”
 
 
I believe the photos provoked similar feelings that usually accompany with graves and graveyards from the strong room in my head built for my private emotions, emotions of loss and failure, defeat and surrender, emptiness and futility, inability to avoid and control. “Yes, you’re right that the strong room failed me. Not the first time though.”
For some reasons I came across several public graveyards in this wandering trip and lingered around for quite some time in each of them. This was not in my itinerary that was made up afresh each morning there, but why should a person always get stuck to a fixed schedule? Unfortunately, in real life, I am so damned programmed to follow one to a point that I cannot work out another one even if I did grant myself the permission to do so.
“Strange, huh? I bet you must have said. But it was a rather unique experience and I actually enjoyed it.
“But, you’re quite right. It’s a bit of a waste of time and money to fly half of the world to sit with some unknown dead guys when you can do it here free if you’re not picked up by policemen and charged with loitering.”
 
Late October was already cold and wet there and not many people would go outdoors even during the day if the sun decided to take a leave. So, graveyards were like deserted gardens, vast gardens indeed. In those graveyards, what I heard were the chirrups of birds, sounds of grass wavering with the breeze and the clapping sounds of the branches of ancient trees, and my breathing sounds of course. In places like these, one’s mind can run wild and mine did and it nearly lost control. A person is more ready to hear his own thoughts and mine were screaming and shouting like a broken record on a gramophone, repeating themselves as the pickup needle jumped around. He is also prone to searching for the meanings of life and death, temporality and eternity, success and failure. Yet, it is a dangerous act to take place in graveyards because even angels cannot promise a comforting answer.
Luckily, I am not a philosopher, so I could only ruminate about the whys and ifs and promise myself with the shoulds and woulds to a point that I just had to shout at my own face: Shut up for goodness sake!
 
 
Reading the epitaphs on the gravestones, I started to learn the stories of these foregone people. These words condense the lifelong story of love, achievement, sacrifice, grace, and probably sorrow and disappointment of these people who may not be known to anyone now. Yet, at those moments, they touched my heart and I felt as if they were telling me their own stories face to face. They seemed to tell me that life is just a brief happening and it comes and goes before the person has actually lived it out.  Very soon, like what the Old Book says: Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was… and what it leaves behind are only mumbles of the person’s good deeds that try to linger on as long as the carvings on the gravestones survive. I did feel despondent about this possible reality but reckoned it was inevitable.
 
Thinking back now, I wonder why I should feel their vague presence there if our lives all end at the gravestones.  I guess it might be my emotional projection onto their stories that makes them exist beyond their epitaphs. But why did I have such projection at that time and place and why is it still playing the trick? I do not think I need a psychoanalyst to ease my mind or to muddle it more. As I know, very often, the more my emotions are running unchecked, the more I coerce myself into repeated false reasoning to put back some order. Well, it does not always work that way and sometimes it causes disasters. Still, I wonder it would be nice if I can also reappear once for a while after my life finishes at the gravestone, though I gather miracles are a rarity.
Anyway, I am honored to come across these people whom I have never met before and they should be proud of themselves if they are still around in a different dimension of this world. They offered me that little reassurance and consolation I desperately needed last October and that evening after having a lousy dinner at Fairwood. There are people around me while I am still walking down this section of the road; few understand and even fewer just listen, they were the very rare exceptions. 
 Spring has half gone already and kapok trees are shedding their red flowers. Very soon, their silvery silk will dance all over the sky like the new snow. I think it is about the time I should allow myself some new sprouts, otherwise there won’t be yellows and reds later in the year.

“Are you clinical?”
"Don't worry. My memorial service is not due yet, I would believe so. If you know what I mean."
 
 

36 則留言:

  1. Gravel! Great!!.....You have been back !!.....I am happy to be the no.1 reader for your new writing.....I will read seriously and respond to u later.....

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    1. Thanks 翔流, I'm glad you found me back so soon. It's my honor. Wish you like this writing after so many months.

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    2. Yes, Gravel, welcome back !! I forgot to say that too.....: ) When you come back, I feel the strength to carry on too....because you are a sincere friend !!!

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    3. I have to read slowly as I need to use dictionary from time to time.....hahaha.....Anyway, thank you for your sharing and I could learn a lot from your writing....

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    4. 翔流, Thank you for taking the time and trouble to read.
      I must learn to write better to make others to know what I try to say.
      Have a nice weekend. Go out to photos? The sun is great.

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  2. Looking at the pictures you took reminded me of some of my recurring dreams, like deja vu ...
    Being clinical is not necessarily a bad thing. It's kind of cool, I think.
    Please take care.

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      Thanks so much to come by so soon. I was thinking to visit you later today.
      Recurring dreams with similar motif and you think it's cool. Wow, you are something! You take care too.

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  3. It's nothing bad strolling in graveyards once in a while for that cathartic effect which seldom comes in this bustling mortal world. It's a place where one is reminded of the ultimate end, a place where hatred, vanity and animosity melt within the heart.
    Do not dream of having a pompous epitaph for yourself. Just be satisfied with a plain and simple one: Here lies a man who has done his duty on earth. Or better still, a slab of wordless gravestone.

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    1. It was quite an experience especially in old graveyards in which the epitaphs are more elaborate in telling the story of the person or his family, truthfully or not doesn't matter. It could be quite sad to see epitaphs of children or grandchildren together set upon by their parents. You feel succession, the broken of it and sorrow. I like both ideas you suggested but I might change the first one slightly to "Here lies a man who has tried to accomplish his duty on earth. The second one is perfect.
      Well, not a good thing to discuss on this gloomy and thunder-ly Saturday. Wish the sun will come out soon. Have a great weekend and do you duty on earth for today.

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  4. A gravestone of an unknown person was found in basement of famous Westminster Church of London, it wrote the most great epitaphs than the Generals, Kings, Heroes, poets…

    “When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.
    As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable.
    As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.
    And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize:
    If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.
    From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world.”

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    1. Thanks ykk to share this greatest epitaph with me.
      It really has great wisdom and truth in it. Is it of a king or a great religious leader? I think it can apply to either one and be a reminder of everyone who is still able to make decision for today. Having said that it is easy said than done, even just trying to change only one person - the very person of ourselves.
      Hope you change yourself more as you desire today.
      Have a great weekend.

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  5. 大學時候, 愛瞞著父母, 獨自駕車到「赤柱軍人墳場」
    那裡沒有常人認定墓地必然的"陰森荒涼", 身處其中, 細看每一塊碑石內文, 感悟良多.
    也曾在周末晚上與三五友朋, 躺在墓石之上, 仰視星空, 那時候感覺的, 不是人鬼殊途, 而是 "天, 何其大, 人, 何其渺!"
    在多倫多, 民居附近, 不難見到墳場, 一般人並不忌諱.
    去年在港, 特意到澳門一訪位於白鴿巢公園側的「基督教墳場」(原稱東印度公司墳場), 先賢長埋, 惟事蹟或詳或細, 刻石為記, 一一察看, 不由得心生景仰.
    第 2,3,4,5 幅照片, 拍得真美............*_*

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    1. Wow 光踪,
      You were very much in front of your age when you were younger and presumably even now!
      The first time I went to the graveyard at Stanley was when I was over 40! It was always about ghosts and horrors that were related to graveyards, and at the night time... Now maybe being aged and having seen so many people passed away, I start to appreciate what you have been doing. Thanks for sharing your views here. Have a great day.

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  6. Hi, good morning, Gravel, I'm so happy to read your writting & say that you're enthusiastic gentleman. What's a wonderful rainbow ! Are you going to set a course of "Life & Death Education ? Please refer to the "Society for Life & Death Education" & the link : http:www.minorityhistory.hk. I'm sorry I don't understand what happened to yur office but it dinn't matter. I wish your personal crisis be solved. Don't eat too much food at fast food shop, especially at night. Take care, please. Have a good time!

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    1. And good morning or afternoon Joyce.
      Thank you so much for your kind words.
      I am not going to set a course on life and death. If I do in the future, I will definitely use the information you give me.
      Thanks again for your positive words to encourage me.
      OK, I will try to eat less from fast food shops.
      You have a great weekend too.

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  7. Hi Grael, welcome back! It is nice to see you write again. : )

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    1. Yes, nice to see you too 小猴。
      It's good to find the old friends in this virtual world again.
      You have a great and happy weekend.

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    1. Thanks a lot Andrew. They are nothing close to yours.
      Have a great new day.

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  9. Gravel、久違了!謝謝分享這編感性的文章!

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    1. 多謝 Louis Rick 兄到訪,近半年呢!
      希望你喜歡這文章。

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  10. Grael, welcome back! It is glad to see you write again. when I reader for your writing.... .I think that if my memorial service hope is in the seaside.........

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    1. Thanks Josephine for your visit. Great to see you here again.
      Wow, your memorial service in the seaside? That will be very special!
      That will not suit me because I can't swim!
      But, don't think of it too much because you have a lot to do before that day.
      Have a great week ahead.

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  11. Pam just called to fix the long waited dinner and I am glad she is enjoying a new lease of life.

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    1. I can feel Pam is an inspiring girl and brings you lots of fun and laughters right? : P

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    2. She definitely is! Full of fun, laughter and vigor of youth.

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  12. Yes love to see you back !

    The article on my blog was an accident !

    Come and see the spring garden please ! : )

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    1. An accident! How come?
      Anyway, spring garden is definitely more beautiful and lively. Enjoy the great spring when it lasts.

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  13. Nice pictures with meaningful wordings !

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    1. 小愚,
      Thanks you for your kind words. Hope you like the writing.
      Have a great new day.

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  14. 在墳場裡細味生死契闊~人生,不過是如夢如幻,匆匆的一場。
    如何跳出生活的枷鎖藩籬,想來真是有點兒沉重的感覺。

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    1. 說得對啊!要跳出生活的枷鎖藩籬真叫人感覺沉重,還是開心努力活好今天已足夠了。新一週快樂。

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  15. Where have all the flowers gone?
    Young girls have picked them everyone......

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    1. Where have all the young girls gone? ...
      Where have all the husbands gone? ...
      Where should all the husbands gone if they don't want to be soldiers?

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  16. 很感謝Grael有意思的分享, 我會經常來學習 !!

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Thanks for your sharing...